she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
