I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
