as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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