I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
