Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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