And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
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I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
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I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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