I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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