i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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