I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
