saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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