Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
sarcasm needs its own font
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
