He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
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Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
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I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.