so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
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My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
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There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...