Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
