my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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