I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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