ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
