nut hugger
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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