how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
