she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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