I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
