you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
