Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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