My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
