I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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