I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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