Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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