perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
