Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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