Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
