I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
