I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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