what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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