I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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