i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
