FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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