Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
did i just pee glitter