Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
