If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
pray to the hookup gods
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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