Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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