between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
