I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
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