i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
