Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
