the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
