So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
