We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you traded sex for a burrito?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Someone shattered a urinal.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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