I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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