I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
