Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
