im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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