guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
