She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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