omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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