come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
