One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
