I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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