Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
