Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
